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Yeah. That's right. I said it. It's true.

My mom just divorced her third husband and acts like it doesn't affect my sister and I. My sister has been holding things in for years telling everyone that she's fine and that nothing is wrong in her life. And if you try to talk to her, she acts like she doesn't know what you are talking about to the point where it makes you feel like you are wronging her in some way by speaking the truth. She has created this world that doesn't include family. I'm lucky if I hear from her once every couple of months, and that has only been since I decided that talking to her about any problems or our parents makes her go MIA for months at a time.

UGH! I'm not only grieving some brain F UP! But now I'm grieving their divorce. I didn't know it affected me that much until now. All I want is for my family to love each other and do right by each other. WHY IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK FOR?!?!!?!? All I've been doing is giving them advice when they don't ask for it. I just realized that today, that I need to stop. Encouraging them to do anything doesn't work, and it affects me greatly, it breaks my heart.

OK. I took a break from my entry because my mom actually, for once, wanted to speak to me about my feelings. She allowed me to express to her how angry I am with the two of them for just giving up after all they have been through together. I feel a lot better now after crying. She said they are both working through their problems and they might end up marrying again.

I didn't get anything done today. I'm going to go work on that.
I wanted to post an entry and thank everyone who replied to my messages on their journals, or through private messaging. All of your stories and words of encouragement have really helped me as far as where my head has been.

I realized today how I'm feeling, and I'm going to say it proudly because it's not often that I can figure out a feeling with all of this CRUD occurring, and uninvited if I may add. I call it the "body snatchers". Hey. That's a title. Wait a minute. I'm going to go back up there and edit it.

OK. I feel like someone died, and I'm grieving. I think I need to be patient with myself, but I'm afraid that I'll fall. I don't know into what exactly, but I'm afraid that I'll fall into somewhere, into it. I'm afraid that I'll become too patient with myself. Does that make any sense? UGH! I typed and backspaced that "e" like 5 times!

OK. Then, I feel like others won't understand so I have to put on a happy face all the time so I'm not an overkill to them. I'm afraid they will get irritated, annoyed, frustrated, all of those things that I don't want them to, if I am patient with my self. I'm afraid that others will think that I'm too patient with myself. I haven't accepted it yet. I'm just not there. Who knows how long I'll be in limbo. I'm going to just allow myself to feel, and stop overcomplicating it!

I don't know if any of that made sense, but I didn't sleep last night. I've been awake for over 24 hours. By the time I pass out, I will be to sound asleep to notice the microbuggy march on my head aka parasthesia...

I think I should go now before I start telling you about that one time, I was at work. .........and NUh.


I've been contemplating the anger outbursts a lot today. I am told that the lesions in my frontal cortex region cause it, but I'm not settled about it. I don't know why I am writing about this in public. Should I? Ah, who cares. This is me. This is how I feel, and I need the support darnit before I go out of my mind!!!

I want a doctor to tell me that I'm only crazy and here is a pill to fix it, but it's not that way. I have a brain disease. I don't want to have it. Who does? I'm contemplating these fits of rage because I turn into the exorcist when it happens, and I can't see. I don't know what's going on, and I can't control it. I hate it, hate it, and hate it.

I spoke with a girl on the phone last night. I am going to a women's retreat next weekend. Everyone picked their roommates, but I just said, "What the heck! I want to meet new people and I want to meet them randomly. Well, I was roomed with this girl. Her name is Elizabeth. After finding out one of my other friends just got diagnosed with Hodgkins Lymphoma Stage II, this girl told me that she had beat cancer and was supposed to die a long time ago. She told me that even she got a diagnosis of Lymphoma Stage III. Why am I finding this out? Why is this coming into my life?

Yes, dangit, I'm COMPLETELY anxiety ridden over it because having cancer is one of my worst fears. Not knowing what's going wrong with your body is REALLY scary, and it gets so, so, oh so lonely. But she knew. She knew how to get inside of my inner most thoughts. She knew that I felt lonely. She knew every one of my fears that have been eating me up inside. Things that I don't share with anyone. Why don't I share them? I don't know. I suppose because some things, like the anger outbursts, I'm afraid of someone labeling me as a crazy, even though I want them to so I don't have a brain disease anymore.

It's a constant cycle. They have stages in chronic illnesses that people go through. Denial, anger, acceptance, whatever the heck is the other ones, I can't remember. Memory. That's another thing. Who forgets that they've gone to the bathroom? My ability to even solve spatial puzzles has gone down. I can't stand the cognitive slowing. That's one of my worst symptoms. I never thought my own brain could turn on me. I'm the super observant, over analytical type. As you can imagine, it's turmoil, complete and utter turmoil. It's brewing inside of me. I just want to scream out, having it echo back to me, parachute out of an airplane, something to get rid of this crummy, scared, and lonely feeling I have inside.

Faith. I have a faith. Sometimes I think that's the only thing that gets me by when I feel like giving up. Elizabeth asked me, "How is your husband taking this?" I was silent. I really didn't know how he was taking it. I never thought to ask him. How selfish I have been! I did ask him after it being mentioned. Do you want to know what he said?

He said, "Jami first of all I absolutly adore and cherish you,Yes it is extremely hard on me for us not to know what is attacking you.As my job I can NOT protect you from this I cant beat it up or shoot it or put it in our trunk and drive it to the ocean and dump it over board.There is nothing I can do except watch you constintly suffer." 

That is such a guy response. It made me cry and loudly. I had no idea that he felt this way, and became mad at myself for never asking him how he felt, or how he is taking this. We ended up having to cancel the health insurance just after signing up with my husband's employer. I realized that we couldn't afford even to pay the monthly amount to have the plan. It is a high deductible one, and from what I've researched, this type of plan isn't for the "unhealthy". I am going to try getting Medicaid, at least so I can get my health stabilized to be able to go to school in the Spring. I really want to go to school badly.

I want to stop contemplating this stuff, but I can't help it. I constantly rationalize away this brain disease, trying to make it so I'm making it all up, and I'm crazy, or I'm just full of anxiety, something, just something other than what it really is. I used to trick myself a lot over the Summer when symptoms were the worst for me. The days that I felt good, I told myself, "See! You were just making it up. You don't look sick, so come on! Pull it together Jami!"

Then, on my bad days, I would cry, not understanding what happened. It seems as though I'm going through the stages of grief, denial, etc all at the same time. I have so many emotions that I can't compartmentalize because only men have that capability. Women are like a purse, there's only one pocket for everything to fit into, and everything is touching. I don't know what to do with all of it. Maybe I need to see a therapist. Maybe writing in this journal will become therapy for me. It feels great just to write about anything that I want to, anything that I'm feeling, anything that haunts me.

That's all for now. Thanks for reading, if anyone is that is....

Writer's Block: When push comes to shove

What can be done to promote tolerance and stop bullying in schools?

Educate teachers and students. Bring those parents in and educate them too!


Today, I'm afraid. Not about the usual monster under the bed, or whether or not I'm going to get that one job or not. I'm afraid that there is something seriously wrong with me, and I might die. I don't mean to feel that way. It just haunts me. I had a job with health insurance and was recently laid off due to cutbacks. I'm sure it was expensive having a sick girl on your pay roll. I have brain lesions, and many neurological manifestations that have debilitated me. I'm so glad that the Summer is over because the heat made everything a million times worse. Even taking hot baths, cooking, or doing the dishes is difficult because the heat exacerbates symptoms. I'm down to only being able to eat certain foods; A. Due to food allergies that became anaphylactic over last year around the holidays, and B. Because if I eat any foods that irritate my colon, I end up being hospitalized, screaming at the top of my lungs to avoid passing out from the pain. Yes, it really is that severe. It actually feels like your stomach is about to explode, and you will die at any moment if someone does not do SOMETHING to make it stop.

They found two brain lesions early this year in February when I was rushed to the hospital because the L side of my body went paralyzed. The nurse came in and told me that the radiologist said they are concerned I have early onset of Multiple Sclerosis. My body shut down. I could barely hear her when she asked, "Do you experience any weird symptoms?" I kept thinking, I don't know, have I? I think so. I couldn't concentrate, the room became blurry. It was literally like my head had fallen in my stomach, and my heart fell down into this deep, dark black hole. That's what it felt like. I started crying, crying my eyes out, and I could not stop....

I probably won't get the full story out in just this entry. I will probably re-visit my journey throughout my entries because it's so difficult for me to re-live.

I am happily married to a man named James. If you haven't already guessed it, my name is Jami. I know, we hear it all the time, James and Jami. Get it out now so we can move on :) We have a beautiful two bedroom home right on the water. Our children are a 1.5 year old black lab named Bella, a year old white toy schnauzer named Charlotte, and a rabbit named Will Ferrell. <----that was my idea. What? I thought it would be funny. Anyways, I love being married. There are so many things to do to build up the relationship, so many conflicts to work through, and so many opportunities to give love and receive it back. It's a never ending dream come true in my opinion. I love every bit of it, even its imperfections. My husband works really hard to support us. I hope I can go back to work someday soon, when I am better.

I am enrolled in school for the Spring. Being diagnosed with a disease has changed my perspective on things. Even though cognition for me has slowed down because of it, I am determined to work hard at it, and become a doctor. I would like to join a research team, and help fight for cures, and especially help those who are struggling to get a diagnosis. 

Back to the topic. I am afraid today. I cried again. I cry a lot these days. Emotional lability they call it. I cry sometimes when I'm watching a television commercial that's supposed to be funny. I even have fits of rage at times where I am unable to control the anger. I scream and yell, not actually aware of my surroundings. I am yelling at "it" so to speak, not actually at anyone there in the room. Afterward, I'm ashamed and embarrassed. They say it's all apart of this. I hate it. I fear all the time that someday, my husband will get tired of me being sick and leave me. He has an autoimmune disease and no thyroid. He reassures me constantly that he isn't going anywhere, but somehow I can't get the thoughts to go away. I can for a little while, but then they resurface.

I'm enjoying hot baths these days. My husband got me a box of Aveeno oatmeal packs, some nice shampoo to help with the parasthesia I experience and some bath gloves. If you have never used bath gloves, you're missing out on one of life's guilty pleasures!

That's all for now.